Finally – instead of continuously running from me, someone who had played a crucial positive role in my life as my best friend and brother in law laid the law down on the phone before he hung up on me. Blunt – he was clear he was never going to even talk about the choices he made – that, including the choices I made – threw me into a deep black hole of depression and broke my spirit, almost destroyed my soul and have me commit some version of a [redacted]/suicide any second of any day for years. “You know Dan” was the excuse always used for his choices, no matter how hurtful they were to others like his gram, mom, dad – it just didn’t matter. By the time he finally talked to me – telling me to “go fuck yourself” – I had been suicidal and in that black hole of darkness for over 2,000,000 seconds. Why seconds? That is how often I had suicide to some degree on my mind.
This story is about how I miraculously did not commit suicide or something more horrific – in spite of it hammering in my head for every second of every day for years. No one else I attempted to tell believed me. I was ignored thousands and thousands of times – felt like an infinite number of times. I’ve never experienced such deep, hurtful pain especially pain that lasted years and years.
One of my best friends has just passed who I had been very close to and now it’s appropriate to go public. Tragically, my grief from losing her already happened years ago as she too didn’t want to talk through things either. The combination of being ignored for so long, and then reminded about the worst experience in my life relentlessly and repeatedly, had completely broken me. The loss of their love based on their actions almost destroyed me and hurts to this day.
The result would be the preservation of a large park that includes an environmental learning center – a school – to teach a select group of high school kids how to make Mother Earth a better place for humans and her critters.
tim solanic 