Change to understand

She tried again last night. Dad and I are going to be exhausted going to work and junior high school. Again. 

It happens often on several nights back to back to back to back with intermittent breaks of a few days in between. It’s exhausting & painful for everyone. She was smokin and smokin back in the day. A lot happened since then. Life. Death of a 6 year old. After hours & hours of the three of us privately sobbing, holding, pleading, relenting into the very early morning, her unconscious droopy face drifting into sleep showed she’d get her rest during the day. Completely opposite of previous years, my teenage years were uncomfortable to be around her. Her deeply saddening face over time in private set the tone. I’d be fearful she’d snap at me any random minute. The toll it was taking on all of us was crushing. 

At the time I didn’t realize the new normal was driven by pain. I was loosing my mind too. Puberty, adolescence, change. It took me decades to understand we had no support system like we just recently had. Immediate family matters were always private. I would learn years later no one outside of the three of us knew how broken ours now was. 

High school my goal included getting as far away as possible after graduating college and never coming back. Her and I routinely butting heads had been going on for quite awhile. When we spoke, we were honest and often blunt. She was sometimes cruel, never hateful. I too was sometimes cruel while we argued in our volcanic outbursts. I hated her. I hated how he laid down to her many times. Giving into her random whims most that made no sense. Selling his dream Ferrari he had worked his entire life on to own and fawn over. He was 66 when he had finally traded up enough sports cars he had been renovating & showing in those white glove checking events.  “It’s me or the Ferrari.” Sold in less than a couple months after joyful, prize winning, pride building ownership. It seemed he’d forgive. He’d never forget. It was easy to see his disappointment over this. 

Hormonal changes in the three of us privately & simultaneously slowly happening like the cruel science experiment of the frog in slowly heating water. Our new stressful private sad life went unnoticed outside the walls of our house that had been a happy idyllic home. 

say it

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